LauraStories: Dear James

On Mother’s Day I could write about the day I found out I was pregnant, the first time I felt your baby feet moving inside me or the moment when we finally looked in each other’s eyes that November morning. I could marvel on about those cuddly newborn days when I was a brand new mother.

Honestly though, baby James, those sentimental milestones were marred with a little bit of fear, a lot of morning sickness, then a whooole lot of exhaustion followed by a little bit of postpartum depression. They weren’t quite what I expected. Those moments I thought would magically transform me into a mama felt robbed.

Oh baby, you were so hard. We had hurdles. While trying to learn each other we were bombarded with nursing problems. Your daddy & I were constantly sleuthing, trying so hard to understand why you seemed so fussy. You boycotted sleep. I cried, a lot.

But now, I’m not feeling not so naive. I know those were just the beginning of bumps in the road and tears. In fact, I’m pretty sure that is what motherhood is made off…hurdles, bumps, tears & being driven to your knees over and over knowing you can’t do it alone.

During one of those seemingly harrowing trials, I cried to mom in anger, shame & defeat-

“Babies just show you how weak you really are!!”

But in her wisdom she assured me,

“No, babies show you how strong you actually are”

James Patrick, this is so true. You’ve completely, totally humbled me. Shown me that I am always a daughter of God first, a mother second. That I can’t do it alone. In this humility, I’ve found so much strength.

I can go on 3 hours of sleep. I run a hot shower in the middle of the night to steam a very stuffy baby. I can entertain the two of us while Daddy works his 24s. I can survive screaming, fussy days and still be head over heels in love with you. I can give up my favorite in the world (dairy) just to see you feeling better. I know these little things are just the tip of the iceberg, too. You have so much more to teach me. I have so much more humility and strength to gain. You are just perfect for me.